FUCKED UP FAITH

Words: KRAIG T HEYMANS
February 20, 2013

Feeling spiritually at sea? Lost in a world of dirt and sin? Is your dirty soul in need of being saved by someone truly worthy, someone who understands you, and who will love you conditionally? Then stay the fuck away from these bizarre cults and religions. You might end up feeling even worse than you […]


Feeling spiritually at sea? Lost in a world of dirt and sin? Is your dirty soul in need of being saved by someone truly worthy, someone who understands you, and who will love you conditionally? Then stay the fuck away from these bizarre cults and religions. You might end up feeling even worse than you already do. Bloody sinner.

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CHURCH OF EUTHANASIA

Are you worried about the Earth’s sustainability? Is the non-stop drone of mothers birthing bastard offspring the soundtrack to your nightmares? You would probably love the ultra-reactionist Church of Euthanasia then. These insane bastards actively encourage sodomy, cannibalism (of the dead), suicide, and abortion, to ensure the speedy destruction of the human race. They’re against murder and forced sterilization though, so swings & roundabouts. Post 9/11, the Church posted a video online combining hardcore pornography with footage of the attacks. Nice.

INSANITY RATING: Although tongue in cheek to an extent, any website detailing methods of consuming human flesh, and preserving it has the WOW factor. 8/10.

HEAVEN’S GATE

UFO religions are commonplace, and Heaven’s Gate is well known. Led by enigmatic Marshall Applewhite and wife Bonnie Nettles, it came about after Marshall suffered a near death experience. Solid basis for any religion, obviously. At first, it trundled along innocently enough, combining Christian belief (salvation, resurrection, afterlife) with far-out hippie thought, (advanced technology, UFOS, existence of guiding Aliens). That’s where it stopped being cool. Bonnie died in 1985 and he went insane shortly after, convincing his 39 followers that Earth was almost at an end, encouraging male castration – which he partook in – before finally committing suicide upon the approach of comet Halle-Bop, which he was convinced was an inter-galactic vessel, transporting his chosen flock to a plane of higher existence.

INSANITY RATING: Ain’t castrating myself for no man. 6/10.

PEOPLE’S TEMPLE

Cross Jim Morrison with socialist thought and an encyclopedic scripture knowledge and you get Jim Jones, leader of the People’s Temple, an organisation borne out of post-hippie America. Jones was an Atheist, but his astounding knowledge of the Bible convinced nearly 1000 people that he was the reincarnation of Christ. Jones moved camp from L.A to Guyana in the late 70s, where his socialist activity became of interest to U.S authorities, until he had his lackeys murder a visiting congressman (who had supported his cause). With no way back, he ordered a mass ‘revolutionary’ suicide of 920 women, men and children, by spiking ‘Flavor Aid’ with Cyanide, and ordering them to drink. He shot himself. The 920 dead was up until 9/11, the biggest loss of American life outside of war.

INSANITY RATING: Given the high death rate, the purported non-stop forced homosexual sex from Jones, and constant drug binges, PT gets a 9/10.

SCIENTOLOGY

Scientology is based on a sci-fi book written by a professional liar, L. Ron Hubbard: pulp fiction writer, war hero, native American, nuclear physicist, drug addict, and plagiarist. Tom Cruise, Beck, John Travolta are all scientologists, Will Smith and David Beckham are both keen benefactors to the Church. Scientologists believe that an inter-galactic space lord deposited genocide victims in Volcanoes, releasing their souls (Thetans) which are trapped in our bodies, these cause our suffering, addiction, and downfall, and by subscribing to Scientology and it’s absurd cult, you can banish demons. Did we mention it costs fucking loads to join? That Scientology is the fastest growing, and one of the most powerful and rich organisations in the world? It practises surveillance and smear tactics on people, encourages the consumption of placentas, forbids noise during childbirth, and turns families against each other in a tactic that can only be described as evil, insane and horrific.

INSANITY RATING: Nuff said. 10/10.

BRANCH DAVIDIANS

Regardless of intentions, a leader who isolates followers, making it hard for them to leave has created a cult. Branch Davidians under David Koresh (Vernon Howell) were that; a group that preached a peaceful, communal socialism and enforced it through violently controlling means. In a similar move to Jim Jones of the People’s Temple, Bible smart Koresh isolated his followers and preached that he was a prophet. Again, the F.B.I became interested. Like most leaders, Koresh enjoyed a life of sex, alcohol, and firearms. The F.B.I, having seen enough mounted a raid, just outside of Texas in Waco. The ensuing gunfight made it clear that members of the church had been trained to use combat firearms, leading to an almighty shoot out. Their compound set alight, 54 adults (including Koresh) and 28 children were found dead.

INSANITY RATING: Without America’s staggeringly easy access to firearms, this probably wouldn’t have happened. 5/10

AGHORI

An offshoot of Hinduism, the Aghori – meaning ‘non-terrifying’, referring to their attitude to death – are a bizarre and frightening sub-group. Extremely secretive, members believe the Hindu line of purity and impurity to be meaningless and actively harmful to spiritual enlightenment, so they embrace pollutant, unimaginably alien and offensive practices. They live in graveyards, cover themselves in the ashes of the dead, eat from real skulls fashioned into bowls, and of course, enjoy a care free life of cannibalism and non-stop sex with menstruating women. The all male Aghori see themselves as being disciples of Hindu Goddess, Shiva, so naturally they dress themselves as women, whilst walking round naked, or wearing a corpse shroud. Weather permitting, presumably.

INSANITY RATING: Beyond this westerner’s comprehension. 10/10.

MORMONISM

Everyone knows Mormons love to get down, right? Yeah! But did you know that aside from the polygamous attitude of it’s members, they’re probably the most boring people on Earth? Members of opposite sex are not allowed in the same room unsupervised, possibly because they might spontaneously marry, or something? They eschew drugs of all types: cigarettes, caffeine, alcohol included. They believe in ‘tithing’, which dictates that all money they earn must be processed through their church, which takes a healthy 10% cut, before life essentials are even considered. Mormons believe in spirit ‘prisons’ and ‘paradises’, where the spirit travels to after death. Bummer.

INSANTITY RATING: Mitt Romney probably has pensioner orgies to Will Smith’s ‘Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It’, while high on nothing but life. 4/10.

CATHOLICISM

Everyone knows a Catholic. It’s hugely widespread. Which is strange, considering the belief systems of this Christianity offshoot are nothing short of bizarre. Catholics are encouraged to feel guilt at the presence of pleasurable feelings, some going as far as wearing devices under their clothes, a constant barbed wire like reminder that God is watching and does not approve of impure thoughts. The classification of relics: 1st class – items directly related to Christ, 2nd class – items directly related to Saints, 3rd class – items that touched 1st or 2nd class relics) is almost satirical in it’s sheer absurdness. Weekly confessions, in which sin is encouraged, so that it can be forgiven by God, Exorcisms, the existence of a holy trinity, and of course, Papal Infallibility. How can the Pope be wrong? He’s the pope. Catholics have a dangerously backward attitude to progress, both social, and technological.

INSANITY RATING: At least I can abuse the Pope on Twitter now. 9/10.

RAËLISM

Claude Vorilhon, a former French journalist who created Raëlism after an encounter with extra terrestrial beings in the early 70s. Since then he has written countless books on the subject, and devoted a whole set of spiritual beliefs to praising the Elohim, the race who abducted him, and who he quickly learnt, created all life on Earth as a cosmic experiment. It’s core values don’t differ too much from many major religions, however, Raëlians believe the world, including all governments, should be ran exclusively by those with a high I.Q. for the benefit of mankind, in a system they call Geniocracy. They are a scientific religion that advocates cloning, space travel, and experimentation, hoping one day to reach the heights of the Godlike Elohim, and create a new race and watch it evolve on a distant planet.

INSANITY RATING: How do I join? 1/10.

PRINCE PHILLIP MOVEMENT

Everyone knows some creep who’s obsessed with the British Monarchy. But what about a whole tribe of them? The Prince Phillip movement is a sect followed by the Yaohnanen tribe in the South Pacific. They literally believe Prince Phillip is a divine being, the son of a mountain God. The followers took a piece of folklore which detailed a pale skinned traveller as being divine, and when visited by the Queen and Phillip, saw the respect afforded the two, and naturally assumed Phillip was the God of their stories. The legend got stranger after his visit, the tribe has enjoyed an endless spell of good luck, successful harvests and other explainable phenomena which they attribute to Phill. He has apparently visited and brought them gifts a few times.

INSANITY RATING: Still convinced he’s a lizard humanoid. 6/10.

WESTBORO

WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH

If you’ve ever felt like picketing a funeral, calling any and everyone you’ve ever met a ‘fag’ for a multitude of reasons, being hated by the entire world, indoctrinating your children into your own twisted beliefs, and living a life bordering on the sociopathic, perhaps the exciting world of the Westrboro Baptist Church might be for you. Of course you have to have the I.Q of a potato and look about as handsome to join these backward redneck inbreds in their quest to pollute the world with their hateful doctrine, one based on distancing yourself from a world which is ‘sick’, and that tolerates homosexuality (which God totally hates, btw). i.e. ALL of society. It might help if you have an obsessive love of comic sans font, and can’t spell simple words either, as GOD HATES FAGS WHO CAN SPELL.

INSANITY RATING: Wankers. 10/10.


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