A WAXXX GUIDE TO A MORE UNITED KINGDOM

Words: THOMAS CLARKE
February 18, 2013

So the decade is three years old, and what a momentous three they have been. 2010 set the tone quite nicely; the Tories were back, and in true 1980s fashion you either became an entrepreneur selling ‘Keep Calm and Carry On*’ merchandise, or you stood at the back of the dole queue with Yosser Hughes, […]


So the decade is three years old, and what a momentous three they have been. 2010 set the tone quite nicely; the Tories were back, and in true 1980s fashion you either became an entrepreneur selling ‘Keep Calm and Carry On*’ merchandise, or you stood at the back of the dole queue with Yosser Hughes, as youth unemployment soared.

The events of 2011 confounded this hypothesis: if you were not part of the regalophiles pouring onto the streets of London to celebrate the Royal Wedding, then there is a good chance you were part of the crowd pouring onto the streets of London to light fires, and steal the city’s Adidas reserves. Undoubtedly there were those also who did both, truly embodying the a-political spirit of our generation.

2012 on the other hand seemingly lacked the levels of misery and violence that were becoming part and parcel of our infant decade. There was the Queen’s Jubilee followed by the London Olympics, which we were told – despite having no bearing on 99.9% of people’s day to day lives whatsoever – had shown that we really were ‘all in this together’ and that the country wasn’t fucked after all. Those at the top however, should not get too comfortable just yet, sure there was no rioting last summer, but with the year of the ‘Jubolympics’ over, the calendar for 2013 is looking pretty bare. So with this in mind, here are a few suggestions of how to keep the nation united:

Everyone Loves a Witch Hunt.

Vilifying a minority is a proven method of uniting a people, though doing this on racial grounds simply won’t do – the modern Brit loves a take away and needs somewhere to buy fags at 3am – plus it’s oh so Nuremberg 1938. Instead I suggest targeting the paedophiles, nobody likes them and the media have given the bastards a lot of attention lately. I suggest this hatred could be channeled into a national holiday, in which the body of their recently deceased leader, Jimmy Saville, would be exhumed and paraded through the streets like Mussolini. This would be followed by a show trial led by Jeremy Kyle, after which the body would be re-entered to a lead coffin and dropped in the English Channel.

These festivities would be accompanied by round-the-clock coverage on Sky News and a commemorative DVD, in 3D.

Revive a National Pastime.

The Olympics showed that Britain is a nation of winners – even though technically we came third place – but what I’m talking about here is the Eurovision Song Contest. Once watched by millions, this musical contest, like slavery, is something that we as a nation used to excel at. Sadly of late we haven’t been doing so well, having not won since Katrina and the Waves’ 1997 entry ‘Love Shine a Light.’ Fortunately for us however, it is statistically impossible for the UK to lose in 2013 (I won’t go into the complexities of Eurovision Song Contest theory, but it revolves around the elimination potential winners through a list of variables, ranging from geographic location to origin of national language and even location of the last held Olympic games in relation to previous results…consult Google if you want to make more sense of this.) Making the most of this pre-determined victory will do wonders for national moral, highlighting that not only is our currency stronger than that of our offal eating neighbors, but so is our song-writing prowess.

Make Britain Smaller.

Fuck Big Society! Former Sun editor Kelvin MacKenzie recently put forward the concept that “The club of the hard-working, clever and creative people living in London and the South East who single-handedly are giving the rest of the nation a standard of living they can’t, or won’t, create for themselves,” are desperately in need of a voice, having been oppressed by the barbarian alcoholics of the north for far too long. Naturally this would entail a break away from the rest of the country, akin to that desired by the SNP. This new slimmed down version of Britain would at first have to fight, before erecting a super-massive perimeter wall, similar to the Israeli West Bank Barrier. This might stave off the angry, now dole-less masses from beyond the border. Once these initial defense measures were implemented, it’s likely that the rest of the UK would just degenerate into a Mad Max like state of Warlordism, with everyday disputes being settled in the cold light of the ThunderDome. Those behind the wall would then be free to enjoy the masses of wealth acquired from no longer having to pay for now-abolished institutions such as National Insurance and the NHS, a true New Jerusalem.

So if you’re reading this down at Number 10, whilst you listen to the Mumford and Sons album that you got for Christmas, feel free to implement my proposals for national unity in 2013. There really is no need to thank me either; after all, I’m just trying to do my bit for the Big Society.

*Why the most ridiculous piece of advice ever given in the face of the civilian bombings and Nazi invasion has become a mantra for the decade I will never know, but that is probably why my latest invention didn’t even make it on to It’ll Never Work.


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