2012 FILM REVIEW

Words: CHARLES MCINTYRE
February 16, 2013

It’s 2013. Let me be the first to congratulate you on ‘making it’. Twelve solid months of catastrophes, terrorist skirmishes, road rage, foretold apocalypses…and yet somehow you remain unscathed. The colliding fates of the universe rained down all around you, millions of creatures, immeasurably more significant than you, died in each passing second of the […]


It’s 2013. Let me be the first to congratulate you on ‘making it’. Twelve solid months of catastrophes, terrorist skirmishes, road rage, foretold apocalypses…and yet somehow you remain unscathed. The colliding fates of the universe rained down all around you, millions of creatures, immeasurably more significant than you, died in each passing second of the 31,536,000 that constituted 2012. In short, your still-beating heart is miraculous. And yet, despite all this, you have wasted several hours of the past year – granted to you by some cosmic, fucking admin error watching utter gash at the cinema. Well done for that, you complete cock!

Luckily for you, I have taken it upon myself to compile a redemptive list of films from the past year that you SHOULD have watched. By watching them, you can at least partly justify your pestiferous existence to Richard Dawkins when you see him in Hell.

The list is as follows:

1. We Need to Talk About Kevin – “Jeez, that film looks depressing. Let’s go watch the Spice Girls musical…” NO, you morons. Watch it and be depressed, because this is the way the world is going…in no small part due to the Spice Girls and their murder inducing devil music.

2. Moonrise Kingdom – “I don’t understand funny films that have narratives, show me titties!” Contrary to popular belief, the comedy film wasn’t invented by Judd Apatow – in fact, the opposite is true. Humour involves thinking, dipshit.

3. The Imposter – “I like 3D films because real life is in 3D.” Guess what, films aren’t real life, but a good documentary gets you close.

4. Lawless – “Tom Hardy is the bad man with the mask!” Foolish peasants, Christopher Nolan’s infantile interpretation of Bane was a cheap and messy plagiarism of the mutant leader from ‘The Dark Knight Returns’. Hardy’s performance as Forrest Bondurant is far superior.

5. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey – “Yay, more Star Wars a’comin’!” While we should acknowledge that J.R.R. Tolkien’s texts have been commercially molested to the extreme, at least they will leave behind them, a legacy of decent films, unlike Lucas’s legacy, which instead lies festering and AIDs ridden, deep inside the Sarlacc pit’s vaginal tracts.


< Back